.jpg)
I'm four foot eleven and Ben is six foot one. Someone near and dear to us has always said (in good humour) that Nelwyns* shouldn't marry Daikini's*! But we can't help who we fall in love with, right!? I certainly wouldn't have it any other way. In any case, this was my chance to breed some height into our vertically challenged family.
You can't imagine how enormous I was in the later stages of pregnancy with my first born. I was so ridiculously massive that people winced when they saw me. Stepping into the supermarket I could clear the aisle in seconds....folks would see that tummy coming towards them and run! It was apparent to everyone (all except me and my doctor surprisingly) that the baby I was carrying was indeed BIG and most definitely a Daikini! To add insult to my pregnancy discomfort, baby decided to stay snug in his cocoon for ten days past the expected due date!
Like most first timers, I had high hopes for a tranquil natural labour. I was well informed, confident and determined. A good friend tried to prepare me for a scenario that ended with a C-section delivery, but as far as I was concerned, that was her experience and I was different and without a doubt far more tenacious. *Sigh*, hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Without giving you a minute by minute run down....the gist is....what began as a text book induction extended into 48 hours of labour, culminating with an extremely wrung-out mum-to-be, a baby suffering foetal distress, a severely potent (and miscalculated) epidural and an emergency caesarian delivery. I was exhausted, bruised and battered (literally), but thanks to the marvel of modern medicine, my darling boy Harry was brought safely into the world, weighing in at a whopping nine pound one and incredibly, fifty seven centimetres in length. He never entered the birth canal...and the midwives were, on reflection, relieved he hadn't. Although I'd dilated fully, I never experienced pushing sensations of any kind.
I know a healthy mother and baby is all that matters - I know it could have been worse. But for me (and my shell-shocked husband) it was stressful and traumatic and not such a great start to parenthood. And it damaged my state of mind in more ways than you can imagine.
For a long time afterwards, well meaning people reminded me that it didn't matter how my baby arrived in the world - a healthy baby and mum is all that matters. The logical part of my brain knew what they said was true, but my heart didn't believe it for a second. My heart, in fact, has taunted me over this failure...for years. My heart it seems is really loud, in this case its' overpowering noise drowned out any logical thoughts that filtered through. Until now.
I still get teary thinking about Harry's birth. During the first 14 months of his life I was miserable - I loved and adored my little man of course, but many days were a struggle. I was plagued by weariness, anxiety, sadness, and while I didn't know at the time, was most definitely suffering post natal depression. It was hard to articulate how I felt and even those close to me had no clue of the extent of my suffering. The only way I could explain my feelings was to say I felt as though my body started something that it never got to finish. My body knew what to do in labour, but it didn't see it through. I carried an overwhelming and crushing sense of incompleteness.
Harry is a week away from turning eleven. He is a tall, strong, healthy and wonderfully intelligent boy. Whilst I'll always carry a sadness about childbirth, I'm no longer riddled with guilt. To be honest though, making a conscious decision to ditch the guilt has been harder than I ever anticipated - when you live with certain feelings for such a long time, you come to rely on them even if they are damaging. Writing about it has helped immensely, even though my emotions are once again raw and tears have been shed, even after all this time has passed. Words as therapy? I should have done this a long time ago, but I suppose I wasn't ready.
Harry is a gift, a part of me. I'm his mum no matter what and I doubt anyone will ever ask him how he came to arrive in this world!
* Remember the movie Willow?
* Remember the movie Willow?
14 comments:
babies (and families) are born in oh so many different ways I am glad you have been able to let go of some of the guilt surrounding your babes' birth stories. I had an epidural for my first birth and as I was crying over my sense of failure at it all (as I was getting the epidural) a kindly nurse told me that no matter how they are born, you don't get a discount when they go to college just because one wa born one way over another. phew! xxoo PS nice touch with the Willow reference.
I had one each way. With my second I was induced three times, laboured for 39 hours, until they said I needed an emergency C-section as the cord was prolapse. Do not ever feel guilt at how you birthed Harry. You did the perfect thing, which is give life to a beautiful child.
Putting it into perspective Shell, Harry versus Teddy. Both little Mums. Teddy become stuck and had to be vacuumed out and he was a teeny 5lb 11 oz and only 44cm long. Yes, I am with you...thank your lucky stars he didn't enter the birth canal.
No matter how he got here, he did safe and sound and is such an amazing mix of you and Ben and a really lovely boy. ♥
Did you see this when I put it on facebook recently?
Its time to stop beating ourselves up. We are all doing the best we can with the circumstances we have. To all my family and friends who are doing the best they can...You are a good Mum!
To the mum who's breastfeeding: Way to go! It really is an amazing gift to give your baby, for any amount of time that you can manage! You're a good mum.
To the mum who's formula feeding: Isn't science amazing? To think there was a time when a baby with a mother who couldn't produce enough would suffer, but now? Better living through chemistry! You're a good mum.
To the cloth nappy mum: Fluffy bums are the cutest, and so friendly on the bank account. You're a good mum.
To the disposable nappy mum: Damn those things hold a lot, and it's excellent to not worry about leakage and laundry! You're a good mum.
To the mom who stays home: I can imagine it isn't easy doing what you do, but to spend those precious years with your babies must be amazing. You're a good mom.
To the mum who works: It's wonderful that you're sticking to your career, you're a positive role model for your children in so many ways, it's fantastic. You're a good mum.
To the mum who had to feed her kids from the drive thru all week because you're too worn out to cook or go grocery shopping: You're feeding your kids, and hey, I bet they aren't complaining! Sometimes sanity can indeed be found in a red box with a big yellow M on it. You're a good mum.
To the mum who gave her kids a homecooked breakfast lunch and dinner for the past week: Excellent! Good nutrition is important, and they're learning to enjoy healthy foods at an early age, a boon for the rest of their lives. You're a good mum.
To the mum with the kids who are sitting quietly and using their manners in the fancy restaurant: Kudos, it takes a lot to maintain order with children in a place where they can't run around. You're a good mum.
To the mum with the toddler having a meltdown in the cereal aisle: they always seem to pick the most embarrassing places to lose their minds don't they? We've all been through it. You're a good mum.
Sometimes we all need to hear this, and stop Judging each other.
Please share this with all the mummies you know, they may need to hear these words!
This was written by a Midwife. xxx
It's what we do with them after they are born that matters, not how they are born.
It's beautiful that you've let go of that guilt.
ok you got me in tears! i have traumatic memories of my last birth, i ended up loosing so much blood and having alarms going off and doctors being rushed in! It was horrendous even though it was a vaginal birth. i felt i had been hit by a train and couldn't even turn my head to look at my baby for an hour! i actually thought i was dying it felt like my insides were exploding...my husband later admitted he thought i was dying as well! birth it is such a crazy ride and i understand your feelings i really do. They should not be guilt laced as birth is very much out of our control and we always do all we can...so i am pleased to hear you are letting go of guilt but understand all the other feelings xxx
thank you for sharing your birth story. i am hoping for a natural birth but trying to be open to what may happen. it is hard when you want the story unfold a certain way. my dh and i were talking the other day about all the emphasis put on birthing a certain way. notthat's it's not important but it's kinda like the wedding day. important but just the beginning. the really juicy stuff happens in the moments, days, and years after. Still, there is a certain amount of grief and healing that must happen when we are disappointed. i don't think there is anything wrong with that and it sounds like you are on the other side of it and sharing your story. i wish more women would share their stories. not just the perfect birth stories but the ones that we have to grapple with. Thank you.
A really beautiful post. I had a very necessary C-section with my daughter. I am hoping to VBAC with the little man I have on board now. But I would make the decision again in a heart beat if it meant my safety or my child's safety. As mothers, I think it it our job to make sure our babies enter the world in the safest way possible, and that's it. Be proud that you made the right decision gorgeous mumma! I know I did that with my daughter so I am not one bit regretful of how she entered the world. You made the decision to keep your little boy safe, there is no better decision. You did a good job!
THIS IS BEAUTIFUL! xo
First off all - a massive hug to all of you who found birth traumatic.
Birth trauma is a real thing. Do not let anyone try and dismiss your feelings on this, especially with that old chestnut "as long as the baby is healthy." That to me is the most insulting line anyone could give to a mother who has just been through a traumatic birth. Your feelings are so important. Your experience is important and it should never be shushed up for the convenience of others because of their inability to handle it.
I am, by past experience of my own birth trauma, wary of hospitals now. I am wary of the conveyor belt way they do things which usually ends with a traumatic birth. There are so many women walking out of hospitals with their spirits broken and they just can't put their finger on why. Some will get PND. Others will get PTSD (myself included). Some will not be able to drive past the hospital without having a panic attack for some reason. Others will just have this lingering ache in their soul that they just can't shrug off.
You are not alone. Many are walking the same path. But one thing I want to correct you on. His birth and your birthing experience was not. your. fault. Your body did not fail you. The system and their policies fail us. We are not at fault. Sometimes, actually the majority of the time, the hospitals don't tell us the whole truth about procedures and what happens because of them (that is probably the politest I can write it without me going into a massive ranting finger pointing at them.)
There are other things I wish to say but am a little clumsy in my words. I am here if you ever want to talk.
Glad it helped to put it into words x
Nodding along to Serendips comment.
Don't forget there's a difference between guilt and grief. You should certainly ditch the guilt but grief is a funny thing, the journey through it long and tricky. Why shouldn't you grieve the birthing journey that you dreamt of having? The common response to birth trauma - that the only thing that matters is a healthy baby - is so dismissive. Your experience was traumatic, your caregivers let you down - I know, I was there! I'm sorry for your heartache over it all. Very brave of you to share it here Shell.
Oh, and Harry is an awesome kid. How the heck is he nearly eleven already?!!
I have walked the birth trauma path as well. 6 years later I was offered grief counselling by a very perceptive GP. you wont forget but you can heal xx
xo It's a tough journey to walk through but the rewards are so worth it. Be kind to yourself and I can so relate to needing words to help you heal. Sometimes just the act of telling our story can be so life-giving to our weary souls.
Post a Comment